Doing Me: A Call to Action

I started my morning by waking up way too early, so I could get myself woke up, for later on in the day, then retreating back into the soft, milky warmth of my bed, for around three seconds before I took my usual routine to the bathroom--face checking time. And what do you know, it doesn't look amazing. I stare at my face, drinking in every flaw and blemish, before making a face at myself, washing my face, and hastily brushing on concealer before my blemishes had any more time to mock me. My day begins and the feelings of anxiety, self doubt, and the extreme urge to fix myself my through out the day, and with every mirror dodging my steps, the stress and worry increases.
Am I doing the right thing, should I just go back to doing what I was doing before...but what if it's too late to go back? What if it starts all over again?
But I wanted to make that commitment to go natural with my products, I don't want to be putting harsh chemicals on my face.
But what if those things are the only things that will ever work?
The fear literally eats away at me, capturing my mind, forcing me to think, to research, to somehow, find something that will work, so I don't have to go through it all a third time.

(note: not my pic, but very close to what I did eat.)
Breakfast time. There are pastries leftover from a party, but I scramble up two eggs and half a piece of toast with a little bit of orange juice. That feeling that my stomach isn't perfectly tight stays with me, and the article I just read on rookiemag.com about food guilt, and how women feel it is their duty to stay thin, to eat little, to avoid sweets, to eat healthfully. I'm almost worse because I'm an almost hippie and am pretty much set on clearing my skin, and have researched exhaustively, an am trying to avoid gluten, dairy, sugar...basically everything delicious.
I sit down with my breakfast, and I eat it, and it's good, but it's not enough. And as I think about what I read, and how I feel, I eat some of the pastry from the party's breakfast, and refuse to feel guilty about it.
And the more I think about it, the angrier I get.
What do I owe the world?
Why do I feel that in order to be presentable and acceptable, my skin has to be clear, my body has to be toned, my hair has to be neat and in place, and that unless I'm like that, I'm doing the public a disservice? That people shouldn't have to look at me, or accept me?
What do I owe the world?
Absolutely nothing. None of us do. We just think we do because that's what we've been told our whole lives. Girls are supposed to be pretty, sometimes sexy, always attractive, they have clear skin and toned legs and flat abs and a nice rack, they have manageable hair, they have white teeth, they have a wardrobe so they look professional and cute all at once.

Well guess what?
I don't have clear skin. I'm not tall and super skinny. I don't have a huge rack. My hair looks different every day, I have no idea what it's going to look like when I wake up. My wardrobe is a mixture of indie and vintage influences, and yes, sometimes I dress like a chick from the eighties, and sometimes I wear panel hats even though I'm not a skater, and in my teenage years I never played normal sports because I'm homeschooled, so I like karate, and I ride horses-- I don't like Taylor Swift like I used too, I don't like Justin Bieber or One Direction, I love Coldplay, and think it's horrible that they aren't more popular, and I'm not normal and I don't owe it to anyone to be that way!!
Neither do you!
I don't owe anyone clear skin or a perfect beach body. I'm the one living in my body, and I'm doing the best I can. I can't eat a perfectly clean diet, because I like bread and cereal, and I can't have that perfect polished wardrobe because I think it's boring and I feel like I'm playing dress up when I wear that stuff, like I'm pretending to be an adult. My room isn't always clean, with perfect girlie accents, I walk around barefoot outside, I'm a lot of things mixed together into one, and I don't need to be perfect.

I stand in front of the mirror, and see my imperfections, and then with a big smile, point to my reflection and say "I love YOU!!" Too much of my life has been spent saying "I hate you, I need to change you, people won't like you if you don't change, become better."
I have that constant tightness in my forehead and shoulders, constant stress from trying to make things better, make myself better.
What for?
People haven't even asked me to do those things, I just assume I have too. And for those who do, all those self improvement articles and books, an entire industry devoted to convincing me and everyone else that we aren't good as we are--SCREW YOU!
I don't owe perfection to the world, or myself, and you don't either. Just do what you feel. You like eating cookies? Eat those cookies. You like eating a raw and vegan diet? Do it. You like wearing lots of makeup and playing around with it all? Play to your heart's content. You like dressing in boy's basketball shorts and sneakers? Rock that athletic grunge look. You like being super girlie? Wear those polka dots and little bows in your hair!  You have a big nose? Rock that schnozz! You have a few zits? Do they bother you? Why? Do they actually bother YOU? Or are you just worried what other people will think when they see them? Quit!
My point--you don't owe it to anyone to look, act, sound or eat like anyone else but you. It's hard to believe that in a world that tells you need to be everything but who you naturally are, that you need to fit in the little niches the world creates, but you don't.
You don't need to have a label. You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to look like a girl in a Target ad. You don't even need to look in a mirror.
Who you are, that's who you are, and there's only one you in the entire world. Why should anyone else be able to tell you how to be you, or how to live your life, how to eat, or how to look? You know what you like, you know your boundaries, you know what you like to eat and don't. DO YOU.
You owe that to yourself.

--love and riot grrl kisses,
Victoria <3 p="">

Trust and Follow

Trust. A somewhat fleeting, and often misunderstood concept, one that has been dogging my mind lately. Usually it doesn't occur to me to think about how much I trust God or the people in my life until that trust is tested, when there is a choice between trusting and choosing to follow your own way, where there's a fork in the road and you have to choose which path to take.
About a week ago, God told me something very straightforward and rather shocking, which although it is personal, caused me to go through a stage of wondering and wrestling, how much do actually trust Him and His voice? Do I actually believe that he has the best for me, and can I trust what his best means?
The intellectual and often automatic answer is, "YES, of course I trust God, of course I trust his direction and leading, of course He has the best for me!" And that was my initial response, but although I was thinking those things, my nerves were telling me otherwise. I was restless and my head was full of a million different voices, filling me with doubt even though I wanted to trust Him.
Although God is always right, and as He leads me everyday and changes my heart, I realize that and wonder why I ever could have doubted--but that's not trust, at least not in my eyes. Trust is believing before the proof, believing before He changes your heart or gives you confirmation, trust is believing what He says and taking Him at his word, rather than mulling over our own alternatives in our head.
We so often know these scriptures by heart--



Proverbs 3:5-6
New International Version

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to Him and He will direct your path."

and

Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Those are two of my favorite verses, because so much of the Christian life and the character of God is told in those two simple sentences--and although I love the verses and the concepts, and I believe them, when push comes to shove, do I apply them? When a situation comes up where I feel lost, do I trust in the Lord with all my heart, or do I first lean on my own understanding and exhaust every other method before I come to God? And when God tells me to do something, or tells me something will be so, and to prepare, do I submit to Him in all my ways and LET Him direct my path, or do I wrestle back and forth with Him, trying to make the situation work on my terms?
Do I truly trust that He has every detail of my life already worked out, do I trust that He KNOWS me, and knows what the best for me will be, and simply follow Him, like a sheep following a shepherd, just knowing that He will bring me into the best future possible for me?
I am growing in the process, of not second guessing the Lord, or bargaining with Him, or trying to fix and figure things out on my own, and it's quite a journey, but the further along I go, the more control I let go of, the less I try to worry and scheme on my own, the more I realize that I never had anything to worry about in the first place.

Of course God has the best for me! His every action is love motivated, because He IS love, and He loves me more than I could begin to fathom. The more I ponder who He is, and his unchangeable nature and incredible character, the more I wonder how I could have doubted in the first place. He is all knowing, he knows every possible scenario, and He knows how to guide me through each one. He knows which people he's going to bring into my life, the places He's going to lead me, the future He's going to give me. He is all powerful, so He can make anything come to pass. I marvel at how often I doubt His ability to change my heart or my situation, when with mere words he created the entirety of the reality we know and live in today. He breathed galaxies to life, of course He can give me peace when I need, of course he can soften and change my heart, of course his love can melt a heart of stone. The things we view as impossible are not even child's play to God. God is pure goodness and pure love, there is no way He would have a bleak future planned, because no matter what situation we're in, He gives us the strength and love and motivation to thrive within it.

When I ponder the nature of God, all that He is, and all that He has promised, my only response can be thankfulness and trust. He is the Being that created this universe, and He is wise, loving, knowing, and incredibly powerful, not limited in any way, and He chooses to direct my tiny life, to give me direction and comfort and peace every day. Now if that doesn't motivate absolute trust, I don't know what does.

Trust in Him you guys! He can and will bring you through anything!
Love and kisses,
Victoria

Her Own Hallelujah

She sits, glass in her hand, straw poised, ready to touch her lips.
Cause you can sing all you want to, yes you can, you can sing all you want to, and still get it wrong, oh worship is more than a song...
Jimmy Needham pleads, and she watches the sky go a shade deeper than cornflower blue, the kind that contrasts black-eyed susans perfectly, and has that certain golden light to it that October always brings.
The smoothie slides down her throat, and and pushing her hair back from her face, her eyes go up and stop seeing what's in front of her as her thoughts claim her attention.
Following Jesus.
Those words hold so much more weight to her now than they once did. Following Jesus used to mean that she would read her Bible, go to church,, attempt to evangelize every once and a while, pray when the mood struck, and that was enough.

But lately God's had a hold on her face, slowly turning it away from the things she's always focused and relied on, turning it towards Him. Following Jesus now means going against any and all wisdom of her own, and depending completely on his, no matter how counter intuitive or strange it seems. Following Jesus means giving up things she used to think she should do, and doing the things she never thought she would. Following Jesus means holding onto his hand in the dark, trusting only his voice as she gropes, trying to make out some sort of discernible path.
She lets out a long breath. Sometimes God is a light in the dark, a defined path, a logical pattern of life unfolding. And other times God is merely a whisper in the inky blackness, a stepping onto a hanging bridge that looks unstable, saying no when the rest of the world screams yes, following His and His voice only.

We look at the life of Jesus, and we make assumptions.
He was grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.
Everyone loved him. Everyone approved of Him. Jesus was a good boy, a respectable man.
We always forget the parts that made him hard to understand, made him noticeably different, offensive, abrasive, strange.
He turned over tables in the temple, He cursed the religious yay and naysayers of the day, He broke religious laws, left his family behind, blessed a Roman, touched a leper, left his hometown wiping the dust from his feet, turned the Jewish religion on it's head, washed feet, died as a disgraced criminal, abandoned by those He loved, cursed by those who had once proclaimed Him King, because he didn't follow the path they had imagined for Him.
A rebel. A lunatic. Demon-possessed. A drunkard. A friend of sexual prostitutes and tax collectors prostituting their Jewish heritage for money and a good name with the Romans. A blasphemer who makes Himself out to be God. Belligerent, uncontrollable by those in religious power. A loner.
All names He was called, all things He was accused of. Jesus himself said he didn't come to bring peace. He came to turn a nation on it's head, turn families against each other, challenge the very faith of his own people, and extend it to people the Jews considered on par with dogs. He answered to no one but His Father.
Why are we any different?

She sits and surveys her life, the things God has told her to do, things that from a conventional standpoint make no sense, yet the call is there. It may come against what her parents think. It may distance her from the ministry she was used to being involved in. But if God calls her, how can she refuse? How can she rely on any other voice but his?
As is human nature, every club, every faith, every school, every people group, they all have the norm, what is acceptable and what is accepted--or nay, expected. Christianity is no different.
Norm has never been her flavor of coffee.
A wrinkle fold its way between her eyebrows as she ponders. She tries not to doubt, but just to follow, but sometimes its hard, when she's with the disciples, on that boat at night on the sea of Galilee, the waves threatening to overturn the boat. She's stopped trying to control the boat on her own, and she's seen her Lord, just standing out on the water, calm as can be as the waves crash around Him, He is unmoved.
She's Peter, stepping off the bow of the boat, foregoing every human instinct and wisdom, and stepping onto the waves, a surface that shouldn't be solid, but somehow is. She walking towards her Lord, trying not to take her eyes off of Him, because if she does, the waves will become hungry once more, licking up her feet, her ankles, her whole body.
Peter gets a bad rap sometimes. Too outspoken, too impulsive, too changeable.
But in the end, he was the only disciple that got out of that boat, and ignored every natural law that said the water would not support his weight, every doubt that said Jesus wasn't powerful enough to hold him, every whispering voice that said he would surely drown. He ignored all that and focused on his King, and stepped out of the security of that boat and out onto the water. Impulsive? Yes. A loose cannon? Yes. Stumbling and trying to trust, trying to follow? Yes.
She sighs once more and looks fondly out the window, and slight smile curling at the edge of her lips.
She may be something of a Peter, but that's not a bad thing to be.

For He calls her out upon the water, the great unknown, where feet may fail,
And there she'll find him in the mystery, in oceans deep, her faith will stand.

You may not understand. You may not agree. But I follow the voice of my Savior, because in end, and in the beginning, and in the in-between, He's all I have and all I need.
And the immortal question, still lingering on Jesus' lips, inquires of everyone-Who do you say He is?

Love and many pondering thoughts,
Victoria

AWESOME BLOG AGAIN! HAHA!!!

Hey everyone, I am hear to tell you that, I have found obviously another awesome blog!! It's a woman named Brittany's blog.  The picture is of her, and one of her amazing outfits, which I love!! The blog is about how she makes tons of unique outfits, with what she has. She has 3 adorable cute kids also! Oh, and may I also mention, LOL I love her poses!! Haha! :) GO check it out it's called A Day in the Life Too...a blog about well-rounded style.  Here is the url: http://adayinlifetoo.blogspot.com/

Awesome Blog AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Hey everyone!! For once, the picture actually matches what I am talking about! A new blog I found called A Daughter's Heart! The girl's name is Livvy. Her blog is about photography, writing, and how she is So Blessed!! :)  I love her blog it is awesome!!! Go check it out!!

http://adaughtersheart.blogspot.com/

Go check it out, you won't regret it!

AWESOME BLOG CALLED A CORNER PILLAR!

(Note: I think the picture above is a train, I thought it looked cool!)

Hey everyone! I assume you have noticed, I've been posting about other people's blogs. That's cause, I really do love their blogs,and want to tell others about them and, there is nothing interesting going on in my life right now at the moment. So, just bear with me! :)
Here is a girls, blog which is awesome!! Her blog is called A Corner Pillar, it's about a girl named Lauren, she loves God, and she loves to travel, and she herself is just plain out awesome!! So anyway, here is her url: http://www.acornerpillar.com/  anyway, it's awesome go check it out!!!! :)

Awesome Blog Alert AGAIN!!!

Hey, I found another AWESOME blog!!! It's called A Celtic Cowgirl!!! It's about a girl, who has tons of horses and lives on a a ranch, She loves Celtic music, and she writes her own stories!! (the picture is of a celtic bracelet.)  Anyway it's really cool blog, I suggest to go check it out. She goes by the name Gwyn. Here is her url: http://thelegendslive.blogspot.com/   Very neat! Go check it out!

AWESOME BLOG ALERT!!!!!!

Hey!! I have another awesome blog alert!!! It is called  A Beautiful Mess Because She's Been Blessed. It is a cool blog, she don't have many posts because she had broke her leg, and was going through a lot! But the posts that are on there, are awesome! (Oh, btw, the picture is not of her, or anyone I know. It is just a picture I put on here, cause I thought she looked like a beautiful mess! LOL) Her posts are mainly about what she's been through, and how God is helping her, its really good! Go check it out, here is the url : http://a-beautiful-mess-2010.blogspot.com/
It's awesome! Go check it out! :)

AWESOME BLOG ALERT!!!!!!

Well, this awesome blog I HAVE to tell you about tonight is, 26 and Counting!! Above is a picture of her!  26 is her age btw, some people think that's how many kids she has! LOL! She posts about her outfits, the type of outfits she has is Corporate Chic, cause she works at an office! Very cute outfits!!
I LOVE HER BLOG!!! I looked at every post!
Here is her url :  http://twosixandcounting.blogspot.com/ 
So go check it out!! You won't regret it!! :)

Hey!! ANOTHER AWESOME BLOG ALERT!!!!

Hey everyone, for a little while now, I might start doing awesome blog alerts! They are awesome!!

Well, this awesome blog, I HAVE to tell you about today is called Life's to short Not to Wear Red Shoes!!  (LOL yes, I am aware that the picture is of red dresses not red shoes, I just thought it was cute and somehow fitting!)
SO anyway, her blog is about her everyday life, shoes, fashion, donuts, etc. I LOVE it, I looked at every post on there! Her name is Susannah and I just have to say she is as awesome as her blog! :)
Here is the url: http://www.susannahhope.com/  So there ya go, you won't regret it!!

What are you doing here still??!! Go check it out!! LOL!



LOVE,
Victoria

Hey! Im back!! A new favorite blog!!

Hey everyone!! No, I have't fell off the face of the earth! LOL! I've been very busy, trying to finish up this year of school, which is the 24th. So yay!! :)
LOL! I need to post more, and believe me, I am preparing for posts everyday of my life. lol!! SO, don't give up on me! :)
I found a blog, that I really love!! It is called Dreaming Dandelion. The url for it is, http://dreamingdandelions.blogspot.com/  So yeah go check that out it's awesome!! Her name is Erin Jesse. :)

LOVE,
VICTORIA